|And a Loan for Christmas|
|Season 4, Episode 7|
|Air date||December 15, 2014|
And the Model Apartment
And the Fun Factory
Caroline thanks Max for agreeing to make holiday cupcakes to sell at their store, she says it's better than last year when Max got so drunk she turned the twelve days of Christmas into the twelve steps of Christmas. Max says that she finally gave in and realized Christmas is like herpes, no matter what you do it's going to flair up once a year. Caroline notices the cupcakes Max has just finished frosting, commenting that she's proud since Max made a Feliz Navidad cupcake. Max begins to show Caroline the other cupcakes. Including 'Feliz He's Not Your Dad', 'Joy to the World,' 'Joint to the World', 'Frosty the Snowman,' 'Frosty with No Man,' - which she says is for Caroline - Max picks up the last one and says that it's her favorite, she begins to read "Santa Claus is coming-" but Caroline interrupts her and asks her to stop. Max says that's it, it just says 'Santa Claus is coming,' and shows her the cupcake.
At the diner, Max asks Earl for change, he says that he heard that from both his ex-wives too. Max comments that he has a lot of Christmas cards, he tells her that he spread a lot of goodwill, he also mentions that's where he gets all his shirts. Max walks over to a table and hands the customers their change. As the man begins to put it in his wallet Max says her two kids love that time of year, he adds to her tip. She puts her hands on her abdomen and says that next Christmas there will be three, so he adds more to the tip. She mentions that the baby is a boy, and says her husband was so happy when she called him in Afghanistan. The man adds more money to the pile and the woman he's with grabs the rest of the change Max gave him and puts it all on the pile, and hands it to Max. Max walks away as they leave. Caroline is over by the counter, she says they can use the money to order more cupcake t-shirts. Max wants to use it to buy Christmas presents for their friends. Caroline says they need more shirts, they're really selling. She mentions that the guy at table four said that they're the perfect gift for a girl you're not in love with, just strictly banging. She also mentions that he bought three. Max says that she knows for a fact everyone there is getting them stuff - Han came in with a gift bag that morning. Caroline says they'll find some money for the gifts, people aren't expecting anything big. Han walks in from his office carrying a stack of envelopes. Max comments that people just got the nothing big they were expecting. He has a special gift for all his diner employees, Caroline asks if it's health insurance - Han tells her it's Christmas time not crazy time. He made them all cards, they're one of a kind silk screens which he did by hand. He hands everyone their cards, Caroline says that it's amazing, showing everyone the diner on the front of the card. Han tells them to open the door, he put something behind them that reminded him of each of them. Oleg's is Sophie. Earl's is a saxophone. Caroline's is a cupcake. Max's is a chainsaw. Han makes a chainsaw noise and then leaves as Sophie enters. She gives everyone a holiday shopping tip - fill a Starbucks cup with vodka. Max lifts up a matching cup and says it's also good for waitressing. Caroline asks if Sophie was Christmas shopping, Sophie says she was and excitedly lifts up a massive bundle of power strips. Oleg says it's good that she got surge protectors, Max says it's the first time protection's ever been used at Sophie's apartment. Sophie says her Christmas village needs 75,000 watts, and that's just to work her candy cane helicopter. Oleg explains that Sophie's been so busy with the Polish society's Christmas decorating contest, they haven't had sex in days. Sophie says she has to beat her nemesis Felka, she wins every year.
Max and Caroline are walking through Manhattan, Caroline says it's the best place to buy quality Christmas gifts. Then she asks Max where the duffel bags of stolen electronics that get sold for half the price by refugees. Caroline gets excited when they arrive at her childhood bank, Max is amazed that she had a childhood bank. Caroline says she stops by every few months to get caught on their security cameras so then people think she's still in the mix. Max steps into the revolving door and Caroline follows, saying that while they're in there they might as well ask for a business loan. Max revolves all the way around and back out, Caroline follows. Max tells her they're not getting a business loan, that Caroline tricked her into coming to the city. Caroline agrees that they won't get a loan and asks if they can go in and get a complimentary Christmas cocoa, Max says she wants one too and they go back into the revolving door. As they walk Caroline says that they should ask for $15,000. Max, once again, revolves all the way around and back out onto the street. Caroline begins to explain that they need more money so they can buy their shirts in bulk, and then if they work even harder they can double their profit. Max says they won't pass the credit check - according to her social security number, she died in a boat explosion years ago. Caroline says bankers have more guilt at Christmas, mentioning that she's the one who went to business school and so Max has to trust her. Max tells her that she's right, she's the business genius, what does Max know. Max excitedly tells her 'lets go get that loan!' and then stands and watches as Caroline grins and walks back into the revolving door, Max waits on the street as Caroline walks around it and back out. Caroline says she should have known that was too good to be true.
Max and Caroline are still on the street, Caroline says that the bank is right there, the shirt is in her bag, they should just go in and show them and apply for the loan. Max says no, Caroline says please, they do this for a few seconds before Max says that that'd be what it'd be like if they applied for a bank loan. Caroline asks Max what the problem is, the shirts were her idea. Max says that's the point, nothing that ever comes from her is worth $15,000. Caroline says she knows the shirts are a money maker, and she can prove it, she points at a nearby store and says that it's her childhood clothing store. Max says she didn't know they were going on the childhood tour, if she did she would have stayed home. Caroline shows Max the shirt on the mannequin in the window - a black Metallica tee - she says it's at least $200. Caroline asks Max to follow her into the store.
Max comments that the store is fancy. They notice a shop assistant talking to a customer, Caroline tells Max to let her do the talking. The man introduces himself to them as Barry and asks if they're doing some holiday shopping, he comments that they're not allowed to say Christmas. Caroline tells him they're doing a little holiday selling, he asks if they're selling molly or coke. He also mentions he's not interested because he's been clean since 2012. Max says it must be really hard to not be high and be him, because it's hard for her to just be near him and be high. Caroline asks if he'd be interested in selling one of their shirts. He says no. Caroline tries to show him the shirt, he tells her to stop offering. He walks off and Caroline gets the idea to put the shirt on one of the mannequins. She tugs the arm off a nearby one and starts pulling the shirt it's already wearing off it. Max asks if she's American Psycho, as soon as someone says no she starts dismembering women. Max hands Caroline the shirt and she starts putting it on the mannequin. Barry is coming back, though. He asks if they're serious. The customer from early says it's really cute, and the back - saying 'cream filled' - is funny, people will think she has a personality. She tells Barry to put it with her other stuff and asks how much it is, he tells her $300 and she says she'll take ten she'll give them out as gifts. Barry tells Max and Caroline that he'll need thirty more by Friday.
In the diner kitchen Caroline is on the phone and Max is making notes in her order notepad. Caroline says she needs to place a rush t-shirt order. She begs the person not to put her on hold again, she's been through seven rounds of 'Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer'. She then tells Max that she just got run over again. Max says since they have all the t-shirt money, they're upping the money spent on everyone's gifts. She wants to get Earl a car and Sophie the lake house she always wanted. Caroline tells her that the store is selling them for $300 but they only get 25%, she also says that you can't buy a house for $750, it's not Detroit. Someone comes onto the phone with Caroline and she tells them she needs fifty shirts by Friday, their business card guarantees next day delivery. They can't guarantee the guarantee. Max has moved onto Oleg, asking what to get a man who has nothing but shows you everything. Caroline asks the person on the line what they mean when they ask if there's anything else they can help her with, asking them when they helped her at all. She also says that she's beginning to think that if Grandma works for them she didn't get run over by the reindeer, she threw herself under a sleigh. She hangs up and sets the phone down. Max changes the list to cheaper options. Caroline says that they can't give up, they'll do them their selves, they just need someone else to do them. Han walks in and tells them to get back to work. Caroline remembers the cards and mentions that he has an artistic side. Max comments that he has no backside, and a front side that shouldn't be allowed outside. Han makes the chainsaw noise again and tries to leave, but Max gabs his sweater.
At the apartment Han is working at a machine set up on their counter. Caroline asks what's taking so long he made those Christmas cards. He tells her that those were supposed to be ready last year but he figured what's the rush, the two of them weren't going anywhere. Han sets the finished shirt down on the cabinet, complaining that working for them is worse than them working for him, they haven't even given him water. There's a knock on the door and Caroline wonders aloud who it could be, she asks Han if he called child protective services on them. She goes to open the door as Max tells Han he only made one shirt in two hours, he tells her it's a masterpiece. Oleg's at the door, he asks them for help - Sophie's behind him and she needs cheering up. Sophie appears behind him and asks if she turns on the oven and closes all the window, would she die. Max says no, because if that was the case she'd have died. Caroline asks what the problem is and tells Han to get back to work. Sophie says she's going to lose the Christmas decorating contest, and when she does she'll have nothing to live for. She tells Caroline that that's probably how she feels every day. Oleg says that Sophie's rival made a live-action North Pole workshop in front of their house, all Sophie has is a light-up Nativity and $25,000 of Target Christmas decorations. Oleg says that she blew five fuses last night, he never thought he'd be jealous of a fuse. Caroline says they're behind on the t-shirts, and pinches Han to make him work. Sophie asks why she's worrying about a silly contest, it's Christmas, and says her and Oleg will stay and help. Sophie suggests that in return they let her use her barn and Chestnut the next night for a live Nativity scene which they would all have to be in.
The next night Han is still hard at work making the shirts, though now he's dressed as an angel. It's the last shirt. Caroline's excited, and Max comments that she can't believe she's in such a good mood when she's wearing a fake beard. Caroline says she's just happy that she has new clothes. Caroline thanks Han, saying without him they would never have got it done, she tells him he really is a little angel. Max says she's surprised he's not the baby, Han tells her he was asked but he declined. He spent ten years getting out of diapers, he's not getting back in. Max says for his Christmas gift she'll pretend she never heard that. Sophie walks in dressed as Mary, saying that the judges are nearly there, she tells them she's ready, Joseph is ready and cabbage patch Christ is ready.
Outside they gather in Chestnut's barn. Max is a shepherd, Caroline and Earl are both wise men, and Oleg is Joseph. Along with Sophie's Mary, and Han's angel. Oleg says he's going to open the barn door. Earl can't remember who he's supposed to be again, he says he's not going to lie, one of the wise men might have smoked some pot - he shows them inside the gold box he's holding, it's full of joints - and he thanks Max for the Christmas gift. Max tells Sophie the barn and them dressing like idiots is her Christmas gift, Max tells Sophie to bang Oleg later and then tells Oleg that's his gift. Caroline says that before they come in they should take a look around and really take in the true spirit of Christmas. Sophie says she can't remember writing Caroline a monologue, telling her to shut up and get over by the horse. Han hits the music and Sophie tells them to look holy. They all freeze in different poses and wait. The people walk in and the first woman - Sophie's rival, Felka - is upset. Sophie tells her she's the freaking mother of god, and makes the toy baby Jesus wave at her. They won the contest. Oleg takes off his robe and says that the shows over, he tells Sophie to dump the kid - he'll be waiting upstairs. He walks out and Sophie hands the toy to Max, telling her to look after cabbage patch Christ as she goes after Oleg. Max hands the toy to Han and says he has a buddy his size.
At the fancy store Max and Caroline exit with Barry, who they're thanking, he reminds them he wants fifty more shirts after the first of the year when he's back from rehab, he's planning a very white Christmas. He goes back into the store. Caroline is excited and asks Max if she knows what just happened in there, Max says yeah, she stole some finger less gloves. Caroline is angry since they're in business with them. Max says she got them for her, and Caroline suddenly isn't angry anymore. She pulls the tag off them and puts them on, she says it's a Christmas miracle - their shirts are being sold in the most exclusive bitchy boutique in Manhattan and they want more. Max suggests going in Caroline's childhood bank, she wants an adult pee. As they walk into the revolving door Max says that while they're in there they can apply for the loan. This time Caroline is the one who revolves all the way around and back onto the street with Max following. Now Caroline's afraid. They just had an amazing success and it looks like things are going there way, if they go in there it could all be ruined. Max says that it'd ruin their lives even more if they don't get the loan and they have to spend hours with Han standing under them trying to finish the shirts. Caroline says that's a nightmare and they head into the bank.
The two walk out of the bank and Max can't believe they were given a loan, asking if everyone who works on that street is high. Caroline can't believe it either, it didn't go bad, she's getting everything she wants. She tells Max to walk on the outside of the sidewalk, she's probably going to get hit by a bus. Max says that she didn't even have to flash her boobs. Caroline asks why she did anyway. Max says that she doesn't know, they were making it rain, she felt obliged. Caroline asks if Max has a dollar, they give it to the less fortunate and Caroline spots the cupcake shirt on the mannequin in the store window. She tells Max that she has chills, Max comments that it's snowing and there aren't any fingers on the gloves. Caroline apologizes for not getting Max anything, but Max tells her that Caroline got her everything. The two stand looking at their shirt in the store window.
- The production code for this episode was #2J6907.
- This episode was live-filmed on October 7th, 2014 at 5pm.
International Air DatesEdit
- UK: March 12, 2015 on E4.
- Nico Santos - Barry
- Tessa Goss - Amy
- Hope Shapiro - Felka