|And the Old Bike Yarn|
|Season 4, Episode 4|
|Air date||November 17, 2014|
And the Childhood Not Included
And the Brand Job
At the diner, Max asks Earl if she can borrow his newspaper so she can check her horoscope - she wants to know if she'll still be a horror in the future. She asks who wants theirs reading out first, and Oleg says 'do me, do me, do me.' To which Caroline replies that she'd like to have one day that doesn't end with him yelling that at a woman. Max says she'll go first. She's a Gemini, the twins. She says their both fine while motioning to her boobs, and then moves on to Han. She guesses he's a Virgo, Han says she doesn't need the paper to see her future, he can tell her it and it's using his name as a reference at Chipotle. Earl asks if they really believe in horoscopes, that they're just telling you what you want to hear. He tells them that if it told him he'd be a seventy five year old cashier he wouldn't buy it.
In the cupcake shop Max is finishing frosting the last cupcake, Caroline asks if she's ready to open, and the two of them join hands to do their business affirmation. 'Please, God, don't let us be murdered in here.' Max opens the window and the two of them see a woman knitting next to a bike. Caroline realizes she's yarn bombing the bike, Max doesn't understand it. She calls her over and the woman introduces her as Guinevere, Max asks her what she's doing. Guinevere explains that she's making the city more beautiful by creating artwork on everything, she asks for a tip and Max tells her to go back to school and learn a trade before her dad's money runs out. Max tells her that what she's doing isn't artwork, that artwork is a Garfield mug. Caroline advises Guinevere to move on. Guinevere can't understand the problem, the bike has been there for months. Max says it's there bike, that they use it for deliveries. Guinevere moves on, and Max and Caroline start talking. Caroline thinks it's a good idea to start a delivery service. She says it could bring in a lot of money, people don't want to go out, they're lazy. Max says she doesn't feel like it. Oleg comes in with no shirt on carrying two vests, ones red and one is black and purple, he asks which one would look better with no pants. Caroline says they're both timeless, as in there is no time he should wear them. He tells her that she can't be objective cause she's like a kid in a candy store, so he asks Max. Max tells him the red one matches his rash, and he agrees. She asks why he's got out his fancy mesh vests tonight, and he explains that he and Sophie wanted to wait on the sexual part of their relationship, so they would be having sex for the first time since they got back together that night. Caroline thinks it's sweet, and Oleg says that he hasn't even masturbated since right before he walked in.
At the apartment Max is feeding Chestnut carrots, Caroline comes in and tells her she has good news. Max thinks she's found a new apartment. Caroline tells her to close her eyes. Max does, and tells her the last time she did so she wound up wearing a bikini on a garbage barge. Caroline wheels the bike in, and honks the horn at Max. Max, still with her eyes shut, asks if she's dating a clown. Caroline tells her that if she was dating someone with a car she would have already told Max. She announces that it's the bike. Only now it's been painted pink and has a picture of a cupcake stuck on the basket. Max says it's a waste of time and that she doesn't want to deliveries. Caroline tells her that she'll do the deliveries while Max bakes. Sophie arrives and Caroline asks what she thinks, Sophie makes a comment about how she's been saying Caroline should hop on something pink and ride it since she met her. Caroline leaves, and Sophie shuts the door behind her. She's glad Max is alone, she needs some girl talk. They sit down on the sofa together. It's about Oleg. Last night his soldier wouldn't stand at attention, and his penis wouldn't work either. Max suggests Cosmopolitan magazine - they usually have advice on sex stuff. Sophie asks if it's her, and Max tells her that there's no way, the first time Oleg saw her his soldier not only saluted, it exploded. Sophie agrees. Caroline pushes the bike back in, she only went two blocks and she's sweating, Max will have to do the deliveries.
At the cupcake shop Max is getting ready to make her first round of deliveries. But first, business affirmation. 'Please, God, don't let us get pistol whipped in here.' Max leaves with the boxes of cupcakes and Caroline opens up the window. There's a giant colorful yarn web over it. She comments that it was either Guinevere or Spider-Man came out. Oleg comes into the kitchen asking for advice about his privates. She agrees, but asks why her. He tells her that he trusts and respects her, and that he feels she probably knows her way around a limp penis. He talked to his therapist, Roy, down at Starbucks. And Roy said it's all psychological, but they didn't get much further than that because Roy spilled coffee on his sandals. Caroline tells him that he's probably just scared, intimacy is so hard for some guys that it's not hard for some guys. She realizes Max forgot the order slip, and tells Oleg that it'll probably all work out.
She goes outside where Max is shoving the bike into the back of an Uber car. Caroline asks what she's doing, and Max introduces the man whose car it is. It's Milesh with a K, he doesn't go to the airport, and he once drove some of Maroon 5. Caroline pulls the bike out of the back of the car, and Max tells her that if she wants her to deliver the cupcakes she can't use the bike she has to use the car. Caroline asks if Max is pregnant, and Max says Caroline asks her that every day and every day the answer is no. Max wants to tell her but it's a secret. Caroline promises not to tell anyone. Max doesn't know how to ride a bike. And as Caroline repeats her in disbelief, Han and Earl walk out of the diner overhearing everything. Max is angry but Han finds it hilarious. He finally has something over her.
Max is in bed sleeping, Caroline walks in and wakes her up. Max asks what the smell is, and if Caroline brought home Greek food. Caroline tells her that the smell is her, and that that's what you smell like after you ride a bike all around Williamsburg. She tells Max that she doesn't want to smell like that again, that Max will have to learn to ride the bike so she can do it. Caroline doesn't understand why her mom didn't teach her how to ride a bike. Max tells her it's one of her three 'never's, she'll never get on a bike. Max's first never was having a blonde roommate, and that's happened. Caroline sits down on a chair and refuses to leave until Max tells her why, she would have sat on the bed but that's the other never. Max begins to explain. When she was little there was a kid called Tommy, he was a nice kid, a solid hopscotcher, and he used to give her his fruit roll-up everyday. Caroline interrupts to ask if she means that she used to steal his fruit roll-up. Max tells her not to interrupt and continues. One day, Tommy got a new bike, and was out in front of his house with a nice older man who looked like him. Caroline interrupts again to ask if she means his dad. Max asks if that's what they're called, she just assumed it was a predator. So, Max was making fun of him because he seemed happy, and he started showing off to put her in her place. And he flipped over the handle bars and landed on his face on the ground. After Max stopped laughing, and the man had picked him up and hugged him, she saw that Tommy's teeth had busted through his face. To put it plainly, Tommy's mouth was on the outside of his face. Caroline makes a disgusted face, and says it sounds like a horror movie. Max says that every time she sees a bike she thinks of his mangled face, and how he had to eat apples on the side. Caroline tells her she isn't responsible - Max knows that, and says that one out of twelve of the jurors agreed. Caroline tells her she's still gonna learn to ride a bike, and will pay her in tootsie rolls.
The two of them head out of Chestnut's barn with the bike into the back alley behind their house, Max tells Chestnut not to look so smug since he doesn't know how to ride a bike either. Max notices the yarn on everything and comments then Guinevere must've been there too. Caroline tells to get on the bike and Max says she doesn't want to eat apples out of the side of her face. Caroline gives her a tootsie roll. Caroline demonstrates how to ride a bike, and Max tells her she can't wait to see Caroline's mouth on the side of her face. Caroline tells her to get on the bike, that she doesn't even have to go anywhere. Max doesn't want to, but a tootsie roll convinces her. Caroline instructs her to move to stand next to a nearby car so she can lean on it for balance. Max doesn't want anyone to see her. As Max leans on the car it begins shaking. The window opens to reveal Sophie and Oleg. Caroline explains what they're doing, and Sophie tells them that they're still having problems. They're trying some exotic new locations - this one is exotic because it's not even their car. Oleg tells Sophie to try barking at it again, and as the window shuts Sophie can be heard yapping. Max tells Caroline to hurry up and teach her how to ride the bike. Caroline gives her another tootsie roll, and then tells Max not to look. Han rides past on his bike making fun of Max as he goes, Max gets mad and turns around to chase him. She tells Caroline to push her, and Caroline asks if she's sure. Max tells her she only has two forms of free entertainment, one of them is making fun of Han, and the other is located above the bar on the bike - her vagina. Max begins to ride and tells Caroline to let go, Caroline warns her as she begins to steer towards a pothole. Max hits it and makes a pained noise. She slid off the seat and landed on the bar. Caroline offers her another tootsie roll.
At the diner Max is walking over to collect food from Oleg, and take an empty plate back. She walking strangely and slowly. She says she'll be there in, like, a month. Earl asks how she's doing, and mentions he heard about her 'vagaccident'. He says that if she needs a doctor his cousin in Florida is a good one, but the bumpy bus ride there might kill her. She says she'll be fine because she's icing it. She steps wrong and a can of ginger ale falls out of her skirt and explodes on the floor. She announces that they're out of ginger ale, and Earl tells her he thinks she means the ginger ale is out of her. Caroline rushes over and picks it up for her, it feels like it's her fault. Oleg tells her to pick up food, and Caroline asks if he managed to do the thing the man does while the woman makes shopping lists in her head. He shushes her, he doesn't want anyone to know he can't get it up. Han overhears and starts laughing saying it's the best week ever. Sophie walks in and asks what's up, Han tells her 'not your boyfriend.' He announces that if anyone wants him he'll be outside riding his bike... with an erection. Sophie says that Han didn't hear it from her, she only told Max and her manicurist. Oleg tells Sophie that it's difficult. And Sophie tells him maybe they shouldn't try to be serious, she only liked him for his penis anyway. He asks her to say it again. So she repeats it. He asks her to say it one more time. She tells him she doesn't have any real feelings for him, it's only sexual, that she only likes him for his big stupid penis. He tells her he's back, and that he'd like to see her in the kitchen. They'd better hurry though, he's making three minute eggs. Caroline yells after him to cancel her eggs. Max says she would have left during the conversation but she's holding a can of Dr. Pepper between her legs.
Caroline and Max are walking home with the bike. Caroline's legs hurt from delivering cupcakes, and Max is still walking weird. Caroline tells Max that she bets even Tommy got back on the bike, and asks what happened to him. Max says she caught up with him on Facebook. He got married. She bets right now he's driving his car looking straight ahead while smiling at his wife in the seat next to him. Caroline asks if that's it for deliveries. Then the two of them spot Guinevere yarn bombing their barn. She yells that they should of tipped her. Max tells her to give her the bike and drops a can of Dr. Pepper out from between her legs. She hops on the bike and rides off. Caroline asks what happened to her fear of bikes, and Max tells her the only thing stronger is her hatred of Guinevere.
- The production code for this episode was #2J6904.
- This episode was live-filmed on September 9th, 2014 at 5pm.
International Air DatesEdit
- UK: February 19, 2015 on E4.
- Caitlin Kimball - Guinevere
- Duncan Bravo - Milesh